Wondering Clouds

I wonder how some people have the gift of saying the right words at the right time, while I always seem to put my foot in my mouth. I really try, but it’s exhausting. It doesn’t come naturally to me, and the whole effort sometimes makes me feel trapped. Thinking about every word and every feeling before I say it out loud is difficult. I’m more of an impulsive person, and the effort to not be impulsive and to suppress my feelings is making me feel more closed off every day. I feel like I’m losing my light and the unfiltered version of myself, weighed down by how people expect me to be. What if I don’t want to fit into this box? I don’t want to be perfect; I want to be a free spirit without the burden of worrying about how others will feel. I constantly keep thinking,  What if I hurt someone? I always seem to hurt the people I love the most—maybe because I think they will understand. Even when they do, they still feel hurt, and that makes me incredibly sad. I feel caged, sad, and eve...

And then there are some nights when you just want to cry, cry until the feeling passes – feeling numb, scared, and anxious as tears roll down on their own, like someone has opened a pool of emotions. You cry until you feel relieved, until you can breathe again, empty enough to fall asleep, and your eyes strain, heavy and sore . It comes in bouts, triggered by something seemingly out of nowhere, though I know exactly what sets it off. I'm so tired, endlessly tired, worn down to my core. 

I woke up to another day of the same old routine. Get up, start working, eat, sleep, and repeat. I'm stuck in a loop, going through the motions with no real purpose or direction. And to top it all off, my name means "direction," but I feel like my compass is broken. I'm in my 30s, single, and just going with the flow. I don't know if I have any real goals or aspirations, and I'm just treading water. I see my friends and colleagues moving forward in their careers and personal lives, and I can't help but feel left behind. It may sound like I am comparing myself to others ummm.. yes. Strangely I cannot help but compare, and it is so not me. I have always made my decisions and have been happy and content with my choices. I heard someone say the human body changes every seven years. It seems that I am going through that change. I do not feel like myself anymore; something has shifted. Every time I reflect and figure out what, I draw a blank. This feeling numbs ...

Nights like these I miss you to most, When thunder is rumbling, the rain is pouring. And then I long for a cuddle, Into your warm arms I snuggle! But my heart knows,  I will not get any of those. I need to sail through, Someday I'll find someone new. Then perhaps I won't miss u! P.s.  Sometimes you fall in love with a person with the most amazing connection with but then the chapter comes to an end. The dream of happily ever after just shatters into tiny pieces. Somehow that one person never leaves you even after years! That person shall forever live in that tiny corner of your heart with fond memories. Perhaps you will move on - perhaps not but then this person and the memories shall always always be etched in your heart forever.

Mixed emotions.. cannot really explain the feeling ... am I sad, am I angry or am I disappointed??? Or everything??? I am an emotional wreck a complete wreck today.  I wish I could explain this to someone. The feeling of loneliness, sadness and emptiness. No direction. Everything seems so stagnant. I feel a sense of comfort when tears roll down from my eyes.Tere is noone to wipe them but then I need to hide them because noone should know what my heart holds...  How I wish ... if someone could just hug me tight, and tell me everything will be alright. Perhaps I'll burst out crying... Perhaps I'll smile, or perhaps nothing at all. But I want someone to hug me tight And I shall be alright... I shall be alright...

OK so...in a matter of minutes I was out of my room...in the elevator and just walked out of the main entrance!  Destination - unknown Mode of transport - unknown Hunger - well I was very much famished had just a sandwich in flight which was pretty much all!  But the excitement of wondering like in literal sense wandering aimlessly felt liberating and nothing else mattered.  I walked towards the main road avoiding pot holes filled with muddy water at every two steps!  Ya.. Whatever you have watched in movies regarding gaddhe me Raaste banaye jate hai is very true! And then I reached the main road, thinking where should I go... Juhu Beach!  Not very far and I should be able to be home (well I'm going to call the hotel as my home in Mumbai) by dinner time. After today mornings episode I am so not taking uber or ola or any other internet enabled services! There was a auto standing across the road, let's see if they agree. Asked the driver, "Bhaiya, Juhu c...