It's so hard to be me...

I wonder how some people have the gift of saying the right words at the right time, while I always seem to put my foot in my mouth. I really try, but it’s exhausting. It doesn’t come naturally to me, and the whole effort sometimes makes me feel trapped. Thinking about every word and every feeling before I say it out loud is difficult. I’m more of an impulsive person, and the effort to not be impulsive and to suppress my feelings is making me feel more closed off every day. I feel like I’m losing my light and the unfiltered version of myself, weighed down by how people expect me to be. What if I don’t want to fit into this box? I don’t want to be perfect; I want to be a free spirit without the burden of worrying about how others will feel. I constantly keep thinking,  What if I hurt someone? I always seem to hurt the people I love the most—maybe because I think they will understand. Even when they do, they still feel hurt, and that makes me incredibly sad. I feel caged, sad, and everything in between. How I wish I could be soft, polite, and meek, instead of being assertive, upfront, and direct. Wouldn’t that be easier? It’s so hard to be me.