Wondering Clouds

I wonder how some people have the gift of saying the right words at the right time, while I always seem to put my foot in my mouth. I really try, but it’s exhausting. It doesn’t come naturally to me, and the whole effort sometimes makes me feel trapped. Thinking about every word and every feeling before I say it out loud is difficult. I’m more of an impulsive person, and the effort to not be impulsive and to suppress my feelings is making me feel more closed off every day. I feel like I’m losing my light and the unfiltered version of myself, weighed down by how people expect me to be. What if I don’t want to fit into this box? I don’t want to be perfect; I want to be a free spirit without the burden of worrying about how others will feel. I constantly keep thinking,  What if I hurt someone? I always seem to hurt the people I love the most—maybe because I think they will understand. Even when they do, they still feel hurt, and that makes me incredibly sad. I feel caged, sad, and eve...

And then there are some nights when you just want to cry, cry until the feeling passes – feeling numb, scared, and anxious as tears roll down on their own, like someone has opened a pool of emotions. You cry until you feel relieved, until you can breathe again, empty enough to fall asleep, and your eyes strain, heavy and sore . It comes in bouts, triggered by something seemingly out of nowhere, though I know exactly what sets it off. I'm so tired, endlessly tired, worn down to my core.